Eragon Vs. the Ultimate Evil


(Note that this is a parody and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you want something serious then read something else. Rated T for mild language, senseless violence, and complete randomness.)

Chapter 1: The Stage is Set
It was a dreary, rainy, and downright depressing day at the studio. Barney the dinosaur stood in the center of the stage and said in his stupid voice, “Hello, kids. Today we are going to see what the surface of Mars looks like!”
This was an extremely stupid idea as there was no breathable air on Mars. Barney, Baby Bop, and BJ all shouted, “Weeeeeeeeee!” and began to spin around on the stage like complete retards and disappeared from the stage.
Unfortunately, they did not end up on Mars where their lungs would have been deprived of vital oxygen and instead ended up in Alagaesia instead as the result of a dark spell.
Meanwhile, in a graveyard near a town, four multicolored figures were digging up coffins and feeding on the corpses inside. There was a red one, a green one, a purple one, and a yellow one. They were each chubby and had televisions in their bellies. The yellow one, Laa-Laa (Blaw-Blaw), went to one of the coffins that he/she had dug up and began to bang on it, trying to break inside. Suddenly, there was a loud BANG and Blaw-Blaw fell dead to the ground with a bloody bullet hole in his/her stomach tv. A dirty hand wielding an old-fashioned pistol emerged from the coffin and pointed around like a periscope and then went back inside. Then, the wooden coffin lid slid away and Jack Sparrow sat up.
The pirate said disappointedly, “Hey! This isn’t the Caribbean! How the bloody hell did I end up here?”
He climbed out of the coffin and said, looking down at the dead Teletubbie, “Sorry, mate.”
Jack looked at the other three Teletubbies and then walked away with a drunken swagger. This place was weird and the lack of rum wasn’t helping. He noticed a light in the woods nearby and decided to check it out. Perhaps he could find some information about where he was and how he got to this strange place. As Jack approached the light, he could tell that it was campfire. Maybe there was money! Maybe there was rum! He could see a figure sleeping next to the fire. Jack began to sneak towards the trees when suddenly there was a whooshing sound followed by a loud thud right behind him. Jack turned around to see a dragon with blue scales and really sharp teeth right behind him. The dragon knocked Jack Sparrow down and pinned him to the ground with its right, front foot.
Jack said, “Hello, beastie.” as he took out his pistol and pointed it at the dragon’s head, and pulled the trigger. Click. Jack then remembered all to late that he didn’t reload it.
“Oh bugger!” swore the pirate.
The sapphire dragon growled menacingly.
Eragon slept by a campfire. Roran was in the town nearby getting supplies and Saphira was keeping watch over the camp.
Suddenly, Eragon heard someone say, “Hey! Put me down, you overgrown iguana! I’ll have you know I’ve taken on things bigger than you! I gave a Kraken indigestion!”
Eragon thought to himself sarcastically, “Oh no. Just what I need. Another idiot.”
Saphira strode into the campsite with Jack Sparrow hanging from her jaws by his coat.
Jack asked Eragon, “Is this your terrible beastie?”
Saphira said, “I found him trying to sneak into the camp. What should I do with him?”
Eragon replied, “Put him down. I’ll deal with him.”
Eragon got out a sword, wishing that he had Zar’roc instead. He ordered, pointing the sword at Jack, “Stay where you are! Who are you and what do you want?”
Jack Sparrow replied, “I’m Captain Jack Sparrow. I would like to know exactly where I am. What country is this and which way is the Caribbean?”
Eragon was confused. He said, “Uh, you’re in Alagaesia. I have no idea where the Caribbean is. What is the Caribbean?”
Jack rolled his eyes and said, “Never mind. Well, I’d hate to just get up and leave but...” Jack kicked Eragon in the shin and jumped to his feet, drawing his cutlass. Jack turned to run only to be confronted by Saphira who growled at him. Eragon swung his sword at Jack but Jack blocked the attack easily.
He said, “Do you think this wise, boy? Crossing blades with a pirate?”
Eragon said, “I can take you! I once killed a Shade! Besides, I have the abilities of an Elf!”
Jack asked, “What the bloody hell is a Shade? And you have the abilities of one of Santa Claus’s helpers? Can you make toys? THat's not something I'd brag about if I were yu, mate.”
Eragon said, “You’re an idiot!”
Jack retorted, “Sticks and stones, mate. Sticks and stones.”
Eragon said to Saphira, “I’ll handle this jerk! Go see if you can find Roran!”
Saphira replied, “No. I’m not leaving you to fight this man! He is dangerous!”
Eragon sighed and said, “He is an idiot! I can take him! Do as I say and get Roran!”
Saphira replied, “As you wish. But I highly disapprove.” She reluctantly took off to find Roran.
With Saphira gone, Jack saw his chance.
Jack said, “Finally! Ta, mate!”
He kicked Eragon in the hand and made him drop his sword. Then Jack to run away again but Eragon picked up a rock and chucked it at Jack’s head. The rock smacked Jack in the back of the head and he fell over unconscious.
As Jack hit the ground, Eragon said to himself, “That has got to be the worst pirate I’ve ever seen.”
Eragon dragged Jack to a tree and tied him up. He would let Roran decided on what to do with the pirate. Right as he finished tying Jack to the tree, the Teletubbies entered the campsite.
The purple Teletubbie, Tinky Winky (Stinky Binky), pointed at Eragon and said with a high-pitch voice, “Soul! Steal his soul!”
The other three Teletubbies, including Blaw-Blaw who had respawned, laughed with their disturbingly high-pitched laugh and said, “Tehehe! Souls!”
They all ran at Eragon but he didn’t have his sword with him right now. He had left it by the fire and there was no time to grab it.
The Teletubbies charged at Eragon shouting, “Steal his soul! Tehehehe!”
Eragon noticed Jack Sparrow’s sword not to far away and ran for it. He grabbed it right as the green one, Dipsy (Dipstick or something that sounds similar) reached him. Dipstick leaped at Eragon but he held the cutlass in front of himself causing Dipsy to become impaled on it. Dipsy screamed in agony and died. Eragon then went after the red one, Po and Laa-Laa. He beheaded Po and was about to smite Laa-Laa when Dipsy respawned.
Eragon shouted, “What are you and what do you want?”
The Teletubbies’ only response was gathering into a circle and shouting in their highly annoying voices, “Group hug!” Suddenly, an army of evil flowers and bunny rabbits appeared and came after Eragon. He kicked and slashed at them until they had been destroyed. Stinky Binky said in his/her freaky voice, “Well that stinks!”
Just then, there was a loud roar and the whoosh of dragon wings.
The Teletubbies screamed in terror and climbed up a tree to hide.
Eragon said, “Yea! Saphira is back with Roran!”
Much to his disappointment though, instead of Saphira, a rather menacing looking red dragon landed in the camp. There was nobody on the dragon though.
Eragon said, “Thorn! Wait. So then where is Murtagh? Didn’t he come too?”
“I’m over here, Eragon.”
He turned around and there was Murtagh wearing a leather jacket and dark sunglasses and holding Zar’roc in one hand and a bottle of rum in the other.
Eragon said, trying hard not to laugh, “Galbatorix actually lets you dress like that?”
Murtagh replied, “Sure he does! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to kill you now.”
Eragon asked confused, “But doesn’t Galbatorix want me alive?”
Murtagh laughed and said, “Nope. He just found out about this wonderful new thing called cloning! He just wants me to kill you and Saphira and to bring him one of Saphira’s scales.”
Eragon asked, “Alright. But do I get one last request?”
Murtagh sighed and said, “Sure. Just make it quick.”
Eragon said, pointing to the tree that the Teletubbies were hiding in “Alright. Go stand by that tree real quick.”
Murtagh and Thorn stupidly stood under the tree and were suddenly zapped by a strange
energy. Murtagh disappeared leaving only his cloths and Zar’roc behind. The bottle of rum rolled over to where Jack was. Thorn shrank until he was roughly the size of a small iguana. Eragon picked Thorn up by the tail and swing him around and around and flung him high into the air. He then went over and kicked Murtagh’s cloths aside and saw a pansy under them that wasn’t there before.
The pansy shouted with a voice that sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks, “Hey! You tricked me! I’ll get you for this!”
Eragon then looked at Zar’roc and picked it up.
Pansy Murtagh shouted, “Hey! Put that back! You can’t have that! It’s mine!”
Eragon just ignored him and strapped Zar’roc to his belt.
Up in the tree, Stinky Binky shouted to the other Tubbies, “You fools! I told you to steal their souls, not mess them up! We can’t steal a soul from a flower! Get the other boy instead!”
The Teletubbies jumped down from the tree and charged at Eragon but he had already picked up his bow. Eragon fired an arrow that went into Laa-Laa’s mouth and out the back of his/her head. Laa-Laa respawned and came after Eragon again. The young Rider decided that enough was enough. He shouted, “Brisingr!” and Laa-Laa’s head burst into flames.
Laa-Laa ran around in circles with his/her head burning until the head was completely burned up. Laa-Laa fell over dead and this time did not respawn. Eragon had discovered the weakness of the Teletubbies.
The other three Teletubbies threatened, “You’re going to pay for that!”
Eragon retorted, “Oh yeah? Bring it!”
He was about to set the rest of them on fire but just then, Saphira arrived with Roran.
Eragon ordered, “Saphira! Napalm those freaks!”
Saphira replied, “Are you just incapable of staying out of trouble? I leave you alone for five minutes and everything falls apart.”
She unleashed a torrent of flames on the Teletubbies, burning them to a crisp. Then Saphira asked, “Where is the pirate?”
Eragon pointed to Jack Sparrow who was now awake and said, “I told you I could take him.”
Saphira then noticed Zar’roc and asked, “How did you get that back?”
Eragon replied, “Oh, Murtagh and Thorn paid me a short visit.”
Roran asked, “Where did they go? Are they still around?”
Eragon said, “Murtagh is over there. The Teletubies turned him into a flower. I flung Thorn into the air and haven’t seen him since.”
Roran, Saphira, and Eragon made fun of Murtagh being a flower while Jack tried to retrieve the bottle of rum. He got a knife that he had hidden up his sleeve and began to cut himself free. When Jack was free, he picked up the bottle and removed the cork and put it up to his mouth. Only a few drops came out.
Jack frowned and said, “Why is the rum ALWAYS gone?”
He saw another bottle sitting next to the camp fire and snuck over to retrieve it. He picked it up and popped the cork off of it and put it to his mouth.
Eragon and Roran saw him and shouted, “Nooooooooo! Don’t drink that!”
Jack swallowed a couple gulps before realizing that the contents of the bottle tasted horrible. He spit it out and demanded, “Uug! What is this abomination? That is the most horrible rum I’ve ever had.”
Eragon replied, laughing slightly, “That was Saphira’s scale polish!”
Jack looked at the label on the bottle which read “Dragon Scale Polish”.
Saphira said, “That has got to be the worst pirate I’ve ever seen.”
Murtagh suddenly threatened, “Eragon, just wait until I find some way to reverse this! I’ll get you yet!”
Jack asked, “Did he get zapped by the Teletubbies? That will go away after about an hour.”
Roran said, “Then we need to get out of here.”
Jack said, “Alright! Lets go!”
Roran and Eragon got out their weapons and Saphira growled threateningly at Jack.
Roran declared, “When I said “we”, I meant me, Eragon, and Saphira. You aren’t coming with us. We have work to do.”
All of a sudden, a stupid sounding voice said, “Oh look, Babybop! A child! I want to give you a hug, little boy!”
Eragon, Roran, Saphira, and Jack Sparrow all turned and saw Barney, Baby Bop, and BJ approaching them.
Eragon knew they meant trouble and whined, “When will this madness end?”
Barney said as gayly, stupidly, and as wrongly as physically possible, “Hey, don’t play with swords! That is not safe!”
Roran shouted, “Shut up you, uh, whatever the heck you are!”
Baby Bop said, “Awww. He is mean.”
Barney agreed, “Yeah. It sounds like somebody needs a hug!”
Eragon put away Zar’roc and got out his bow and arrow instead and fired it at BJ. The arrow hit BJ in the chest and killed him.
Baby Bop said, “Hey! That was not very nice!”
Barney saw Saphira and blurted out, “Its Puff the Magic Dragon! Lets all sing the “Puff the Magic Dragon” song!”
As Barney began to sing the song, Saphira anorted, “What did he just call me?”
Barney continued to sing and Saphira growled and blew smoke out her nose angrily.
Barney said, “Awww. Puff the Magic Dragon looks sad. Lets give him a big Barney Hug!”
Eragon said, “It’s a girl dragon, you nimrod!”
Saphira added, “Yeah! Call me “Puff the Magic Dragon” one more time and see what happens!”
Barney said, “Ahhh. It sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!”
Eragon shouted, “Shut up!”
Barney then said stupidly, “Aww. Don’t have a bee in your bonnet! Let’s all be friends and play!”
Saphira showed her teeth and threatened, “I’m going to rip your entrails out and hang you from that tree by them!”
Barney retorted, “Awwww. You are going to make me cry. There is no need for such violence. Lets all just be friends and sing!”
Eragon flicked Barney off and shouted an expletive to which Barney demanded, “Stop using dirty, four-letter words! Someone needs to teach you a lesson. I’m going to explain it to you in song!”
He began to sing his gay song of death, “I love you! You love me!”
Eragon interrupted, “No I don’t love you, loser!”
Barney continued, “We’re a happy family...”
Eragon prepared to fire an arrow at Barney but suddenly felt like he had just used a whole bunch of magic. Roran and Saphira felt the same way. Eragon and Roran jumped on Saphira and tried to fly away but they only got a few feet off the ground before Saphira panted, “Too weak... losing strength... evil song too powerful...” and fell back to the ground.
When Barney finished the song, they would all die. The only people who could hear the song and live were people who had sold their soul to Barney. All the plants within earshot including Murtagh were wilting as the song took away their energy.
Barney continued, “With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, lets just say you love me...”
As Barney prepared to say the final killing word, a gunshot rang out.
Barney shouted, “Ahhhhhh!” as a bullet hit him between the eyes, sending blood splattering everywhere. The purple lummox fell over dead with X’s in his eyes. There stood Jack Sparrow with smoke coming out of his pistol. Everyone instantly regained their strength
Saphira said, “Come, little one. Lets go.”
Eragon replied, “Hey, I thought I told you to stop calling me that. At least not in front of Roran.”
Saphira said, “Killjoy.” and flew away with Eragon and Roran, leaving Jack alone with Baby Bop.
Baby Bop picked up Murtagh’s cloths and said stupidly, “Looks like someone isn’t wearing any clothes.”
Jack reloaded his pistol and prepared to fire but Paby Bop Backhanded him and said, “Guns are evil!”
Murtagh and Thorn reverted back to normal but Murtagh was naked now. Baby Bop was holding his cloths and he did not dare risk getting seen naked by crazed fan girls. Murtagh’s eyes fell upon Jack’s pistol, which had been knocked from the pirate’s grasp when he was hit. Murtagh grabbed it and climbed onto Thorn and flew away back to Galbatorix’s palace, leaving Jack to face the wrath of Baby Bop. And so Murtagh flew naked through Alagaesia on the back of a red dragon hoping desperately not to be seen by fan girls.
Meanwhile at Galby’s castle, Durza poofed into the throne room wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt with pineapples and coconuts all over it. He was holding a suitcase in each hand and wearing one of those flower wreaths around his neck. On his head was a hat made of woven palm tree fronds.
The evil Shade said, “Oh Galby! I’m back from my vacation!”
Galbatorix said with shock, “Durza! I thought you were dead!”
Durza replied, “Actually, I survived somehow. I just reappeared in some really cool place called Hawaii. I have been there all this time. I got all kinds of cool stuff there too like this little guitar called a ukelele!”
He took it out and began to play music on it until Galbatorix said with a hint of annoyance, “I have replaced you. I thought you were dead so I got a rider to take your place.”
Dura said with shock, “Who was it? Was it that Eragon brat? What does he have that I don’t?”
Galbatorix said, “Uh, no. But Murtagh did.”
Durza yelled, “You mean the brat that shot me with an arrow?”
Galbatorix confirmed, “Yes. He is a much better henchmen than you also. He killed the dwarf king and some other dudes and kicked Eragon’s butt which you couldn’t do. You stink as a sidekick! Therefore, you’re fired.”
Durza sputtered, “F, f, f, f, f, fired? But...
Galbatorix bellowed, “F.I.R.E.D! Fred! Get out of here!”
Durza yelled back, “Grrrrr! I’ll get you for this! I promise you will regret this!”
He poofed to where the third and final dragon egg was kept and stole it. He decided to give it to some random person just to cause Galbatorix some trouble for firing him.
Jack Sparrow stood over the body of Baby Bop who he had just slain with his cutlass, wondering why the rum was always gone when Durza appeared out of nowhere. The Shade, still wearing his vacation cloths, handed Jack the emerald green dragon egg and said, “Congratulations, sir! You have just won this free dragon egg! Thank you very much! Have a nice day.”
With that, Durza disappeared again. Jack looked at the egg and suddenly it moved. Cracks formed in the shell and the egg hatched and a green dragon popped out and landed in Jack’s hands. The second it touched him, Jack’s hand burned and the weird oval thingy appeared.
Jack Sparrow looked at the weird oval thingy (I forget what it is called right off hand) and then at the baby green dragon and said, “Oh bugger!”
To be continued...

Hmmmm. This is just some critique. Take it or leave it.

A story should not be written for the sake of it being written or for the sake of randomness. It needs a point and needs some structure. As far as I can tell, it has neither. Where are you going with this story and what is the best way to get there while preserving the comedy inside? Those are two questions you have to ask and answer yourself.

Be careful about including Greenie. You're messing with the future of the Inheritance books by including him. It's very, very dangerous. I'm not saying take him out, but you have to be very careful.

Put in more detail, and a greater variety of sentence structures. I would also like a more extensive vocabulary. Make the story visually interesting.

I like to write for the heck of it. It's a parody. It's not meant to be taken seriously. Sheesh.

I already have the whole stroy written. I am just uploading it one chapter at a time.

Oh come on ILS,Its just a parody!

And I feel it really deserves it's title It made me laugh. Tks for brightening my horrible day of homework lol.

I know it's just a parody, but even parodies and satires have a structure and a purpose. He needs to establish that. Then it'll become a really enjoyable story.

Ok... I read just something 'bout buildings and the meaning to life but I do see your point... still...

LOL

its a good story funny but i agree that you have to be very carfull with greeny