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 Kindred 
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New Peasant
New Peasant

Joined: September 4th, 2010, 11:13 am
Posts: 6
Gender: Girl
Post Kindred
This is a novel that I am currently editing a bit... Hope you guys like this..

PREFACE
Fate is a powerful thing in all creatures, deadly or not.
It decides a great many things though we all try to ignore it.
Here follows the path fate chose for three very different people.


September 5th, 2010, 8:53 am Profile
New Peasant
New Peasant

Joined: September 4th, 2010, 11:13 am
Posts: 6
Gender: Girl
Post Re: Kindred
CHAPTER 1 – FRIENDS NO MORE?
JENNY POV
"Whew I cannot believe that's finally over," I complained oince I was outside of my boring Mathematics class. Then I saw one of my friends, a slender blond haired girl with lightly tanned skin walking across the courtyard to me.
Once she was close enough, she said, "I bet you're wondering what school would have been like for you back in America, right Jenny?"
I grinned in answer, shifting my long black hair out of my face. As my other friend came up to us, also golden haired, I asked, "What do you girls want to do now that school is out for the day?"
"Why don't we go back to your house and study for a while and then go late night shopping?" The third girl in the group was the one to answer. Her golden hair whipped her face, making her struggle to fix it in a pony tail.
"Great idea," I laughed.
"Excellent idea, Ang," my other friend, Ashleigh said.
We all walked to the car park together to find my Suzuki Swift to head home. I often drove them to school, it was not a hassle for me.
"Wont it be good to leave that school behind," Ashleigh said. She only said it as the school disappeared from sight around the corner I had just turned.
"Only if we had a good job, Ashleigh," I laughed. They were so eager to get away from school life my two friends. Then again all of us seniors were, it was something that happened to everyone as school was coming to a close.
We all laughed at that. It was so good to get out of school each day and graduation was only three weeks away. School was practically over and that meant that soon we would be on our own, freed from the stresses of school. That would certainly be a relief.
"Can't believe school's almost over," Angeline said. "Feels like the year just started to me."
"That is so true," I said, laughing. "It was only thirty weeks ago." I knew I knew how long it had really been and that was something that would surprise my friends.
"You still remember when we started the year?" Ashleigh asked, incredulous.
"If you were as bright as me you'd remember too. Who you girls going to graduation with?" I asked.
"I'm going with John, of course,” Ashleigh laughed.
That was met by laughter from Angeline and I, we had expected nothing less from Ashleigh.
"What about you two? Surely you both have someone," she added. Ashleigh looked at each of us in turn. me first, then Angeline.
"Unfortunately, no," Angeline and I replied at once. "No one seems interested in us."
We chatted for a while talking about different guys and then Angeline popped the question, "Hey do you guys reckon those Hunters of the Night boys are hot?"
I, of course, was in a tricky situation with that question. I was half Warden of the Dark, which was a pain at times. Why? "I don't know. I have not actually met any, though I have met a lot of hott Dark Warden guys."
"For real?" both my friends asked in disgust. "The demon's are hotter than those fangs."
"Okay guys, say what you want about vampyres but not mean stuff in my car okay?"
"What's it to you anyway, Jen?" Ashleigh asked.
"My mom's a vampyre…."
That definitely made the inside of the car deadly silent.
"What?"
"You're half one of those bloodsuckers?" Ashleigh demanded, a little angry.
"One of those bullying monsters?" Angeline said, her voice showing the same thoughts about my mother's kind.
I groaned. "Guys, they're not that bad. None of them have ever tried to hurt me," I protested.
"That may seem true to you, but we've never heard anything good about them," Ashleigh reminded me. Not that I needed the reminder.
"I know you haven't but I have heard both good and bad. Back in America, the Dark Wardens are the most respected guardians there are," I told my friends. "I've been raised to respect them, my mother is the best Night Warden in Queensland."
"Anyone can become one of them, who really cares if she's the best," my friends laughed uncaringly.
I pulled over to the side of the road. "I'm not going to drive another meter girls. You've really offended me."
"We've said stuff like that before and you have not been offended," Ashleigh said.
"That was before I knew what my mother happens to be," I declared. "She told me the day after my last birthday."
"No wonder you're always top of the class," Angeline said. "They're meant to be exceptionally smart."
"I also study a lot," I laughed. "That easily has something to do with it."
"Okay we're sorry for what we said about vampyres," Ashleigh told me. "Now can we start moving again?"
"I guess so," I laughed. We were not that far from my house as it was anyway. "Just don't insult vampyres again."
The car moved off again and only minutes passed before I turned off the road into a very short driveway. I stopped the car, got out and opened the gate, drove through and shut the gate.
In front of the car, the driveway split in two. I drove down the longer driveway around the house, pulling up outside the converted second garage that now acted as a stable.
As we all got out, each of us was greeted by a different neigh. Three horses head appeared over the stall doors. One was bay, one was black and the other was chestnut.
"Naraya," I laughed, slipping over to the middle stall and patting the chestnut Morgan stallion's head happily. I loved the beautiful Morgan and hoped to compete with him in the 2010 Olympics. Though this was a rather unbelievable idea, I was sure that it was accomplishable.
"Adrenna," Ashleigh laughed, moving straight over to the black ex-racehorse Thoroughbred mare that she owned and loved so much. Such a pleasure to ride, the mare was.
"Ophelia," Angeline laughed as her bay Andalusian stallion licked her on the cheek.
I grinned mischievously. "Why don't we give them a little bit of exercise?" They could take the horses out into the twenty meter by ten meter arena in the backyard.
"Sounds cool," Ashleigh laughed, slipping into her mares stall.
"Yeah Ohdelia and I need to practice jumping," Angeline agreed.
A race then followed to see who could get to the arena first. Adrenna and Ashleigh somehow won.
"Thought you girls might be coming out here," my dad called, moving out of the ring.
"Hey daddy," I laughed. "What are you doing home so early?"
"My boss did not need me. so I came home," the dark skinned African American police officer replied. It was his dark skin that I had inherited.
I laughed, usually my mother set the arena up. But today my mother was away in America, on her way back home. About now she would be starting the flight home across the ocean. Not by plane but by her own golden wings. "Isn't that the fifth time you've been sent home early this week?"
"Hey if they don't need me there, it does not worry me. I don't know how long it will be before you get chosen by that Night Warden school to become like your mother," he said, serious now. "Not all teenagers your age get chosen you know."
I looked at the ground, clearly embarrassed. "Dad, not in front of my friends, please."
He chuckled and then left.
"Crazy dad," I muttered, springing into my saddle.
For a little while we started to ride together, Naraya and I were constantly the unbeaten pair when it came to jumping. Though it was obvious that the Thoroughbred had greater speed, she sometimes shied at the jumps whereas the study Morgan never did.
We were all hot and sweaty when we finished our little mock competition and had a Watyr fight, hosing down the horses. By the time we were all finished and drenched, since somehow Naraya had stolen my hose, something I was not responsible for teaching him to do, we were all pretty cool. While this was going on there was certainly a lot of laughing between us. Especially trying to take the hose back off of Naraya who kept moving his head out of the way so that we could not.
"Lets get inside and changed," Ashleigh laughed, standing in the sun while her friends finished putting their horses away.
"Good idea," I laughed.
We ran to the house, our clothes drying somewhat, though not completely, and then walked carefully into my room. Ashleigh and Angeline had been sleeping over at my house as it was. That was a good thing because Ashleigh and Angeline really were not looking forwards to explaining why their clothes were wet.
Once they were changed into some clean, dry clothing, I said, "Well, I think we should chuck our wet stuff in the dryer."
The other two laughed, certainly agreeing. Though I was not the oldest, I was the most logical of our trio. Quickly we all moved through the house to the laundry and I bundled the wet clothing into the drier.
A few hours passed as the we studied for a while. That was a very quiet time, except for Angeline and Ashleigh occasionally asking me for help. I was almost like a school teacher in the way I answered questions.
"What's this word mean?" Ashleigh asked. She pointed to the word ligament.
"Ligament: a short band of tough flexible fibrous tissue binding bones together." At the confused look I got I clarified, "in small words, the stuff holding our bones together."
Both my friends groaned at my words. They were sometimes easily annoyed by my excessive use of vocabulary. I simply sighed. "If you two actually studied a bit harder instead of asking me all the time, you would know that."
A few more hours passed and then we freshened up to go to late night. My dad drove them, he would happily come and get us afterwards too if we wanted.
Hours passed at Kawana Watyrs Shopping Center easily. I brought a new book on show jumping, dinner for my friends at my regular work place, Kentucky Fried Chicken or KFC, and several new pairs of pants. I also brought myself a new journal, I said I needed one.
Angeline managed to buy herself the latest edition of Horsewyse magazine though the price was going up and that was starting to get annoying.
Ashliegh settled with the Twilight Movie and the soundtrack that accompanied it. Quite an interesting thing for her to buy. Though she did not approve of real vampires, she was insanely in love with Edward Cullen. Then again, all three of us were, though Angeline leaned a bit closer towards werewolf Jacob Black.
We decided to call my dad and let him know that we would catch the bus home. He agreed and we sat at the bus stop arguing as always over the movie that Ashleigh bought.
"I still reckon that Jacob's hotter than Edward. He's not such an overprotective guy around Bella. Edward does not give her a chance to breathe and do things herself," Angeline said. "I'd never be able to put up with that."
I laughed, "No that's only because Bella's accident prone that he comes off that way."
"Plus Robert Pattinson is so much hotter than Taylor Lautner," Ashleigh added. Of course Angeline groaned at the very thought of that. Angeline and Ashleigh continued to argue about the two boys.
Meanwhile a movement in the shadows nearby had caught my attention. I hoped it was not what I thought. "Uh guys can we move into a more well lit place? There's something in the shadows nearby watching us," I said.
That made my two friends shut up. They both looked where my eyes were locked on the dull eyes of one of the three creatures of the night. "I can't see anything," Ashleigh muttered.
"Neither can I, Jenny," Angeline muttered.
It was then that the creature, actually a human appeared out of the shadows. Well actually two of them. They seemed human except from the fact their eyes were an unnatural black and shaped more like some animal's.
My eyes widened in fear. I knew what they were and I instantly flicked my attention to the sky, searching for one of the black winged Night Wardens. As I did, the two creatures leapt at my friends.
Just as both girls shrieked in pain, something winged soared down and moved over towards the two creatures. "Get away from those girls, monsters."
The violet eyed winged creature's words did the trick. Both monsters leapt up from their chosen to be marked girls and turned on the creature.
"We wasn't going to kill them," one growled, looking at his companion.
"Nope, we was sent to mark them," the other hissed.
"Marking the or not, you were utterly rude about it." Our winged friend turned to look at me, the one who still was a human in part at least. She smiled and moved slowly over towards me. "Its time for you to come out of hiding, Jennifer. Become a Warden of the Darkness as you were born to be." She kept moving towards the human. Her wings were a deep chocolate colour like her curly hair. As she walked, they slowly retreated into non-existence. They were hidden by a normal humans shoulder blades. This seemed extremely odd to Angeline and Ashleigh because they had never seen a vampyre before. However I was completely unnerved by it, my mother had done the same once.
I nodded. "Go ahead." I'd known that this would happen sooner or later and I had been waiting for it.
The vampyre pounced, gently biting into my neck and then retreating. The strange vampyre then turned her attention to the other two creatures. "Get going before I kill you both." They needed no second telling and bolted one changing into a huge wolf as he left.
I dropped down to look at my two friends who were just recovering from the attack. Both of them moved back away from me at my touch. "What's wrong with you two? It's just me," I said. "Your best friend, Jenny."
"You smell wrong to be our friend," Angeline said.
I groaned, looking at the winged vampyre. "Could you give me a hand getting my friends back home, please?" My friends were really hurting my feelings now. If I could still count them as that? Could I?
"Certainly." She grinned. "What are their phone numbers?"
I gave them to her and she called the two girls parents.
I called her father while that was happening. "My dad's coming to get me now." I walked a little way from my friends, trying to get some fresh air. In my mind I knew that I would not go back to my friends again, until they were able to accept that I was turning into a vampyre now.
"Is it alright if I hang around a little bit? You don't want those creatures coming back to molest you, do you?"
"Certainly not," I replied.
"We do though," Ashleigh muttered. That caused both the vampyre and I to snigger.
"Only you were just bitten by them, silly girls," the vampyre said.
"There's only one problem with this happening, guys," I said, a little unhappily.
"Yeah? Like what?"
"Our friendship might have to cease to exist." Not that would truly be a good thing, at least not in my mind. Maybe to my friends it was a good thing, but I had no way of telling.


September 5th, 2010, 8:55 am Profile
RPG Team
RPG Team
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Joined: August 21st, 2006, 9:28 pm
Posts: 8122
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Affiliation: Dragonriders
Dragon: Avadius
Post Re: Kindred
Since Silver vanished and isn't coming back I suppose I'll try and be a critic or whatever it's called.

First please don't double post, just edit your last post if you have to. But as far as the story goes it seems fine though there isn't too much description. Try describing the surroundings more and what each character acts and how they feel. The description you have near the end is good, but at the beginning try and explain their surroundings more and how they feel. Since you're doing first person it may be more difficult but it can be done. It's interesting her mom's a vampire, but could you describe more how that makes Jenny feel?

Other than that and a few grammatical problems it seems good :D A lot of talking but that is good though to get more character development. Seems good though, can't wait to read more :)

_________________
Good:
Equinox Eris/Galedrim Aaron Ephidel Tvashtar Savania Incendia Radenya Zeuk Quasar Nainocaro Alex Archayac Sahara

Neutral:
Snare

Evil:
Crimson Dsurion Demondred "Destroyer of Hope" Solstus "Dragon of the Night"

Let your spirit flow in each and everyone one of us and may we bask in your forgiveness, love, and mercy.


September 8th, 2010, 12:05 am Profile
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