Do you know any good Jokes If you do and want to tell them to others here is the place to do it. mabey someone will think it is funny

I HAVE ONE!!! what did the cow say to the fly?

it's a "moooooooo" (cow's voice)
I have one too!
Q: How can we tell between head and tail of a worm??
A: just tickle it and if it laughs it must be the head

you are SOOOOOOO wrong it's mooshu DUH

every one in here *besides me* sitting in a bush all you can hear is PUSH PUSH PUSH

^^ uhhh...yeah...umm are u a kid?

umm.. i dont understand it... can u explain it? trully! i don't!

18 Ways To Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

i thought this was really really funny!

How to get out of a speeding ticket.

One day a guy got pulled over by a cop

cop:may i see your drivers licence and registration please."

Guy:I aint got one I stole this car.

cop:What? you stole the car?

guy:yes, and i also have a gun in the glove compartment.

cop:youv got a gun?!

guy:yes,and there is also a dead body in the trunk as well.

cop:youve got a dead body?! ima have to call an officer

*officer pulls up a couple minuets later*

officer:ill handle this one.

officer reads the text the cop gave him

officer:so. you stole this veicle?

guy:no, i oun it.

officer:can you show me yoru lisence and registration then?

guy:sure *hands it to him*

officer reads it and sure enough its all real: it says youv got a gun in the glove compartment.

guy:no i don't look. he opens it no gun.

officer: well no gun the veicle is yours and it also says youv got a body in the trunk?

guy:no we can go look. so the guy gets out opens the trunk and sure enough no body.

officer:well that cop seems he was maken a bunch of fake stuff.

guy:yeah and i bet he told ya i was speedn to.

THE END.

lol yup yup it's so fun!

wow...people rarely look at page 7 of the chats.
well, I have one.
Why is the pirate eating?
because he was hungry>

lol thet si just like for how long time dose the donky sleep: untill he awakes

A rider from rome attacd city rome roped and stole rice and a radio: how meany R are in thet?

i like the santa one it made me laugh and the cop one too. call me slow but i didnt get the r thing

Material Safety Data Sheet Women
Rating: PG
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but know to vary from 40-200Kg

OCCURRENCES: Abundant quantities in all areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Very effective cleaning agents.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.

lol, very cleaver

I got one:

I guy was driving along and he decided he hated hitchikers. So he vowed the next time he saw one he would run them down.
So the next day he's driving along and he see's a hitchiker on the sideof the road and he pretends he's falling asleep. Suddenly he realizes it's a priest. He quikly slams on the brakes and waits for him to get in. He's thinking 'Oh man what am I gonna do now. i got a priest in here I gotta be careful.'
So their driving along and the guy sees another hitchiker and he gets all determined and then suddenly remebers there is a priest in his vehicle. So again he pretends to fall asleep and starts to close his eyes.
All the sudden he hears a loud THUMP and he qiukly opens his eyes. "What was that?" He yells.
The priest calmly replies, "You missed him, so I hit em with the door."

Pardon, but.. what is a hitchhiker ?

You know, people that stand at the side of roads hoping for a lift to where-ever they're going from random strangers...

hehe, funny
i got 1.

an intelligent blonde, the tooth fairy and a worm are walking down the road. A £10 note flutters in front of them. Who picks it up?

The worm, because the other two don't exist!

Before I say my joke, please pardon me all who are blonde.


Ok, so a redhead, a brunet and a blonde deside to go camping. Well the packed up the stuff they needed and headed out. Once they go to the campsite the blonde had to take a (poo). After the blonde had left the Redhead had an idea, so she grabbed the brunet and took her into the forest to get a rabbit. When they caught one they skinned it and stuck the guts under the blonde and went back to camp giggling. After five minutes they hear a scream and twenty minutes later the blonde comes back. "What took you so long?" the redhead asked. "Well" the blonde replied, "I had to (poo) so bad that I (poo)ed my guts out. But thanks to god and theese two fingers I stuffed them right back in!"

caterpillar that was really disgusting! (and I just had breakfast!)

sorry Fathskie.

oh jesus that was weird.

I have some 'blonde jokes' collection, and they are literally funny,, but can I post it here..?
Well I don't know any blonde in my real life (live in asian country) so I don't mean harm but still..

I posted it here,, if any1 want to know http://fathskie.blogspot.com/2006/10/blonde-jokes.html

blonde jokes are always so strange. heres an old one. Three blondes were stranded on an island. they all decided to swim for the other shore. one swims a quarter way and drounds (sp) another swims half way and drounds. the other is almost there but gets tired and says, i might as well go back.

Seven Rs

Pomfret: I am a blonde and just to let you know, you told that joke wrong.

well im not good with them and im sorry, i had no clue that you were a blonde.

It is okay, well I am still blonde but my sister dyed it an Auburn Chesnut, so now I can't be considered a dumb blonde, even though I am smarter then most brunettes.

im sure that youre a multifasinated individual. stioll i did not know that you was a blonde.

um- I really don't think you should be saying that . Hair colour has no effect on your intelligence obviously, if you really were as smart as you say I don't think you should tell people you are "smarter than most brunettes". How would you feel if I said I was smarter than most blondes?

The dumb blonde jokes are funny, but I know blonde people have started making dumb brunette jokes- who cares? I think they're all funny whether the dumb one is blonde, brunette, red, blue... who cares.

They could be green too
I dnt care im a blonde myself but i still tell them cause they are funny.It doesnt reli matter atall about ur hair colour its just people belive wat there told but now people tell them just to ave a laugh and no one should reli take them seriously. Ive been called loads of things about my being blonde but now i just tell them myself cause they reli do make u laugh. Well most do.
I do know one. Here

A blonde walks into a shop and askeds"Can i buy that Tv please?"
The assistant says"No"
The blonde asked why and he replies"Cause ur blonde"
So the blonde leave the shop and dies her hair brunette and goes back to the shop.
She says to the assistant"Can i buy that Tv over there"
He tells her no again and she asks why.
"Cause you're blonde"
Shes really annoyed now and asked how he knew.
He replies" Cause that isn't a Tv its a Microwave"

I no another one to.

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.
She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"
Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

whats the difference between God and a sound guy?

God doesn't think he's a sound guy

lol, sorry that was a lead...

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. They stand there with the bulb held to the socket and the world revolves around them...


How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lgithbulb?

10000. 1 to hold the bulb, 9999 to pick up the house and turn it lol

Very wise, ms. Dragonzroc,, very wise indeed

-------------------

Btw this isn't a joke but..
---

"she sells seashells by the seashores..."

"I slit the sheet...the sheet I slit...and on the slitted sheet I sit..."

"a big black bug bit a big black bear...be the big black bear bit back..."

"Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?"

"Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?"

lol I don't get what they are talking about!!

that was funnyish

theyr tongue-twisters. U have to say them three times quickly in a row e.g.:

I'm not the pheastant plucker, I'm the pheasant pluckers son. I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant pluckings done.


say it three times out loud, and see wat happens...

i messed up bad but thats cool

did u say "im not the pheasant f.u.c.k.e.r. (sorry 4 the language, but i cant think of anyway to descibe it otherwise)"?? my mate said it at a dinner party and the whole room just stared at him and then they all started laughing

i once satrted sayin dat at scol in front of a teacher and i started swearin by accident. I didnt get told off though cause it was just reli funny.

Im very wise i know lol

okay.. that one is *not* as wise lol

yeah that sounds funny

Hehe it reli was.
Neva mind i might not be wise but i still act smart......sometimes..........

yes... you keep telling yourself that... If you are so wise, tell me, how many posts do i have to get to to get another dagger?

coolies. thanks nick

i did

Ok so there is this elderly couple sitting in church listening to the preacher. The old man is falling asleep and the old woman is knitting. The preacher starts to ask some questions, "Who created the world?" The old lady pokes the man in the rib with her knitting needle. The old man jumps out of his seat and yells "GOD!!" The preacher just smiles and says "Thats right. Now, who is God's son?"
The old lady once again pokes the man with her needle. the man jumps out of his seat and yells "JESUS CHRIST!!" The preacher just smiles and says "Thats right. Now, what did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want to have any more children.?" The lady once again pokes her husband with her needle. The old man jumps out of his seat and yells "POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME AND I'M GOING TO RIP IT OFF!!!!" the preacher just smiled and said "Thats right"

hoho caterpillar. that was terrible (which in my family means good so its a compliment)

LOL, it *ed out that last word, whatever it was. I love that joke, I can make most anyone laugh with it.
here's another one, not as funny

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The
bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for
some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve
quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks
for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here
one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and
some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender
notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

HAHA! Taht was funny valk.....I don't have any good ones sry...

Things a Mother would never say.
1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
3.Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed
and walk him every day.
5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like
I'm running a prison around here.
8.Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
9.Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

AHAHAHAHA! Another funny one Valk...I'll get some on in a minut

Actual Label Instructions Mark as unread
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FORAPPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

Those are good... heres one...


"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

Uhhh, im too lazy to read the rest of the topic, so if this ones already been said tell me...

a blonde, a brunette, and a red head are about to be shot in public. The people point the guns at the brunette. The brunette points north and yells,"torando!"They turn away and she escapes.

They point the guns at the redhead, who yells, "earthquake!" They trun around and she escapes. Next, they point the guns at the blonde, who points and yells,"fire!" and they shoot her.

No no one has told that one yet.
I think I have heard evry single blonde joke ever told.

r u blonde?? If u are...lol

Really, Tell me once again if this has been told....


A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are at heavans stairs. God says,"if you can go up these stairs without laughing at a joke, you can go up. if u dont, u go down."

The blonde goes about 6 steps, hears the joke, laughs, and falls off. The brunette goes up 10 before laughing and falling. The blonde goes to the last stair and laughs. God says,"whats so funny?"

and she says,"i just got the first joke!"

yeah, i'm a blonde
and no that one hasn't been told either.

just because they're called blonde jokes doesnt mean they exactly relate to blodes. sorry if i offended you, but u couldalways replace the blonde part with a black haired. im just saying what i was told.

No U didn't offend me. I'm used to it after all these years.
U wanna know some TRUE blonde facts?

Phsycologists say that blondes are more likely to be outgoing and are considered more feminine than brunettes.

56% of men say blonde is their fav hair color for women

Blondes have more hair on their head than brunettes
Blondes- 140,000 hairs Brunettes- 108,000

Phsycologists say that as well as being assoiciated with youth innocense & naivity, blondeness signals subordination

That just kinda makes me glad I'm not blonde. Too many hairs to look after lol. And blondes are probably likely to be outgoing, because it's always the stereotypical image of a skinny blonde in a short skirt. oh well, I love the label things you posted lol.

i'm kind of glad i have less hair
it goes in my face enough as it is

i'm weirded than...i have blonde and black hair.

This is a long but very funny joke!!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases
the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :
Women are clever!!!
Don't mess with them!!

caterpillar, TOO FUNNY!!!

the moral is true too

ok here's a joke

A Dad is shopping for a barbie gor his daughter
he goes to the counter
dad: how much is that one
Lady at counter: That's astranaut barbie it's 19.95
Dad: and that one
Lady: thats' beach barbie it's 19.95
Dad: what about that one?
Lady: that's divorced barbie it's 99.95
Dad: Why's it so much more expensive
Lady: because it comes with Ken's house, Kens boat, Kens car and one of Ken's friends

Thats pretty funny.

I got one.

How do you put an elephant into a safeway bag?

Hint: Take the S out of safe and the F out of way.




Figure it out yet?







There's no F in way. (Say it fairly fast). There's no effing way.

Haha. ( I learned that one at bible camp!)

You've been to bible camp? What's it like?

Well, I'm a christian already so I think its great! The one I go to only hires crazy people for counselours. I think they all have ADHD. Its crazy.

what happened to the motorcycle after it farted??





it ran out of gas!![url=http://upload4.postimage.org/1641830/photo_hosting.html][img]http://upload4.postimage.org/1641830/mo ... hog_02.jpg[/img][/url]

That was...funny? or disgusting?

this is perverted, but here's one:

what's so great about twenty-six year olds?

there are twenty of them!

lol thats a good 1 but how is thjat a good thing!? lol 20 6 yr olds runnin around...wow...that would give me such a headache

ITS HORRIBLE! Trust me I work at a preschool!

that's why i said it was PERVERTED. unless you are thinking in context, it doesn't work.

This is a common sense one. its prob been told.


u put a giraffe into a fridge. How do you put in and elephant?

Tale the giraffe out and put the elephant in.

ahhh smart people! Im not sure, i have a lot of "yo momma" jokes but they're a bit insulting lol.

Yo momma so fat when she walked across the dance floor the band skipped.

yo momma's so fat when i asked for her weight i thought she was telling me her phone number!

ok i told my freind this joke 2day & she would stop laughing 4 like 10 minutes .. i dont think its that funny but yea

a daughter came up 2 her mother & sed y is my name rose & the mother sed because a rose fell on ur head wen u were a baby
then another daughter came up to her mother & asked y she wuz named lilly & her mother sed becuase a lilly fell on ur head wen u were a baby
then another daughter came up 2 her mother & sed muihgiusdfhguydshbfgusdfghydf & her mother sed shut up cinder block

lol. that's pretty funny.

I dont get it....its dumb...

she droped a cinder block on her head when she was a baby. lol.

so she wuz metaly retareded & couldnt talk right

yo mommas so fast, she doesnt need the internet, shes world wide.


yo mommas so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

yo mommas so poor, when i saw he kicking a can and asked her what she was doing, she said, "I'm moving to another home!"

yo mommas so poor, when you got on your skateboard, she said,"get off the family car!"

i hate the ur momma/ur mother/ur mom jokes i think theyre unorigianly & stupid

oh...i think theyre hilarious....

they're only funny if you're bored.

haha, i get it.

I'm so dead, i cant think of anything but why did the chicken cross the road.

here is one:god made man ......................tailor made gentle man.

whom did god create first?man or woman
the answer is man because god had to make a rough draft before making the master piece.

watch the double posting, you should have edited.

pirates say "rrrrrrrrrrrrr"

snakes say "ssssssssss"

what do i say most of the day?












Answer: "zzzzzzzzzzzz" just made that up.

good one. this is mine Pirates sayRRRRRRRRRRR when there mad

snakes say SSSSSSSSSSSS


Americans say ****