please don't say any rudes jokes, the moment that this will happen or that you go off topic, i will lock it. But have fun.

okay i think i may have gotten this off the eragon forums? but yeah, it's good:

q: if a jet ski lands in the ocean, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?

a: purple, because ice cream has no bones!!

nice one,

I have one

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road

A: To go to the Body Shop

i dont understand the joke which blonde person make. please if you like to explain.

louis i dont think your joke bes funny. it is a very old.

my joke:

there is a chair.... and the chair, it is walking.... the chair is walking with the shoes... lalalalala... the chair it is walking can you believe that??? hahaha.

also:

what do you you do when your television and remote control is floating in the dark?

turn on the light and shoots the man with the chocolate face.

i don't understand yours

first of all, my joke was MUCH better then both of yours. if you can even consider those jokes. and second, i can't explain it, it's a joke!! you are supposed to be smart and figure it out yourself okay!! laugh and move on.

you are a retard.

Just because you don't understand something those not mean that you should call people names

i will take that as a compliment. because i know that you are just JEALOUS OF ME!!

Whats a retard? O_o

another word for stupid.

Q-Why did the chicken cross the road?

A-to go to the shops, but they were shut

Now who found that funny?? Anyone?? Nobody?? coz the chicken sure didnt

glenwing i don't get yours either? borat, you just like me too much to admit.

I asked you if you found it funny, i didnt say what. You presumed I meant the joke, I meant did you find it funny that the shops were closed. THAT'S the joke. Now does anyone get that?

it his a nice one that you have there.

I have an old one i know from primary school.

Q. How do you put a elephant in a fridge?

A. You open the fridge door, place the elephant in the fridge and you close the door.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

A. You open the fridge door, take the elephant out, place the giraffe in the fridge and you close the door.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Q. There his an animal meeting were all the animals are coming, which animal will not be there?

A. The giraffe because she his in the fridge.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Q.A farmer want to cross a pirana infested river, who can he do it?

A. He just walks across, because all the piranas are not there since they are at the meeting.

nope, sorry!!

lol, never mind, my humour is oviously to subtle for you

subtle? oh...kay... well anywho, i liked louis's.

yes, that was a good one. Im gonny be telling peeps that now!

You will need to read this one out loud, to be able to understand it.

Q.
A women goes to visit a building.
On the first floor, it his quite hot.
On the second floor, there are dogs everywhere.
On the third floor, there are dunes of sand.
And on the last floor there are witches flying around.

How do you call this kind of building?



A.
Hotdog sandwitch

Made the answer smaller, so that no body checks it first.

whoa, i got it. that was a perty good one too.

caterpillar that was terrible

Q: How do you turn a Frenchman into a French Canadian?
A: Hit him in the head with a brick.


Why are there trees in Paris?
Because the Germans like to march in the shade

How many french men are needed to defend paris?
Information Unavaliable, it has never been done succesfully

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French."


courtesy of noob, and louis that joke was reely good!

A retard is not another word for stupid Louis, it's someone who is mentally disabled. God! Don't you people know anything? Oop's did I say that out loud, hmmm I guess I did.

i laughed for hours on that one it was really funny it was really hard to stay quiet cuz my ma was taking a nap

I've heard worse...im serious...I mean i'll give this one two thumbs up compared to some i've heard

there are three british men and they don't know a lick of english and they have to find jobs, the first one did not get a job but a small part in a play and the only english he learned was 'mememe'. The second one did get a job, selling little neck tie's and the only english he learned was 'for 50 cent for 50 cents'. The third one did not find a job but did win baseball tickets and when he was in line he heard and memorized these words 'first in line first in line'. One day when the three dude's were walking down the street and heard a cry come from a dark ally so they went to see what it was and when they got there a dead body was there and he cop came and said 'who did thi?' and the first guy said 'mememe' and the cop said 'what for?' and the second guy said 'for 50 cents for 50 cents' and the cop said 'you can get hung for this' and the third guy said 'first in line first in line...

you should know the rest from there

There were 3 men in a middle of swimming pools area. Suddenly, they found a bottle floating in one of the pools. One of them took it and open it. Whoopss! A genie pops up.

"Gentlemen, i would like to grant your wishes." he said.

The first one is a guy from Russia, he said: "I want you to change the water in this first pool into vodka!" Genie nodded, "your wish are fulfilled." The russia guy jumped and enjoyed the vodka pool very happily.

The second one is a French, he said: "I want you to change the water in this second pool into wine!" And his wish were granted to.

The third is an American.
"You're great, genie! Now I want you to change the water in this pool into..." at that time, he got over-excited and slipped fell on the pool screaming, "....****!!"


Ok, it's just a joke, people!!

no offence but it's kinda retarded

haha that is funny...im glad people didn't notice me laughing in the lab...lol

Q: Why are spiderman's socks blue??
A: because Superman borrowed the red ones

How can british men not know english?! Unless they're welsh

No retard is a word used for people with disabilities!!!! What you are thinking is the slang word. My dad is a psycholgist, living with him and going to his work I have grown to hate when people use it in the slang way.

But the slang way is what people understood these days on conversation, we don't open a dictionary e/time we meant something. And i'm quite sure at that time Borat meant "retard" as also in "stupid" matter. Even I learned slang words eventhough i'm not american.

your not americian!!!??? what are you then irish, german...CHINESE!!WHAT!!

Does it matter? she could say the same thing about you

like.. caterpillar your not german?! or caterpillar YOUR NOT IRISH? so don't be mean...

man get your facts right i was NOT trying to be mean i was only wondering plus i am none of those anyway. i'm fench i was born in france but moved hear after my aunt died about three years ago. i am mostly french but i have a little american and a little aferican and i was NOT trying to be mean thats right now YOU

Sounded like it and if you were not then I apoligize.

forgiven with high praise i know it sounded like i was being mean but i didn't mean to be rude plus i like that you stuck up for fathskie it's really kool(in a good way)

thaaanks griiimmlyyy!! but i know saphirarider didn't mean to be rude--we already passed the "missunderstanding thing" yea lol lol --> (only saphira rider understood this)

im sorry i just dont like people who get picked on...it happens alot in my school and the games i play so when somone says stuff like that i just think there tring to be mean iv seen som really crual things be done. catch my drift?

i think borats joke was funny the one about the tv and remote it was really racist but funny nonetheless

yeah, i catch your drift it happens alot around my house parents abusing there children i just don't like it. but this one lady that lives down the street from me is ALWAYS on her guard for any meaness and stuff she WILL call the police just in time too. so what i'm saying is that if i offended any1 then i'm SOOO SORRY!!!!

saphera_rider your french! WOW!!!! if we ever get to talk in person i cant wait to her your acsent!

Okay a little mind twist joke.

A guy walks into a bar and says "OW!"

HA HA HA



A zebra was in a dilema, he didn't know if he was black with white stipes or white with black stripes. He went all around the savanah asking until one day he asked the wrong lion. When he went to the big savanah in the sky he was granted one question to be answered by god. So he asked "God am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
God looked at him with an all knowing expression and said "Do not worry about needless questions because you are what you were made to be."

Later the zebra told one of the other zebra angels about this. He asked him afterward "Do you think he was right?" The second zebra looked at him and said "If you were black with white sripes he would've said 'You is what you is brother.'"


no offense to anyone mind

41 Questions That Make You Think

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

6. How did a fool and his money get together?

7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

10. What's another word for thesaurus?

11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

ha ha ha those do make you think a little. my mom laughed at them but it just confuses me even more lol

with 5, i hope there not driving! and 9, i luv that one!

ya, 9 is kinda funny.

Here's One:

There are 2 islands exactly 20 miles apart.

There is a Blonde, a Brunnet, and a Red-Head on one of them, and they want to get to the other side.

The Brunnet swims 3 miles, then drowns.

The Blonde swims 10 miles, and drowns.

The Reddy swims 19 miles, gets tired, and swims back.

I like 41.

i likle 21

shade, i dont' get yours. explain or pay lotsa saphira coins!

well it would take longer to swim back if you get tired, than to carry on 1 mile to the island!

Tom, dick & harry get shipwrecked on a desert island. There are cannibals there, but they say they won't eat them if they each go into the jungle and bring back 3 fruits each. Tom, dick & harry agree.

Tom comes back with 3 oranges. The cannibals tell him he has to put them up his bottom without making a sound. If he makes a noise, they will put him in the cooking pot. Tom gets 2 in, but makes a noise, so they put him in the pot.

Dick comes back with 3 strawberries, and the cannibals tell him the same thing. He also gets 2 in, but bursts out laughing, so they throw him in the pot.

In the cooking pot, Tom asks Dick "why did you laugh?"
Dick replies "Because I just saw Harry come out of the junle with 3 pineapples!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was pretty funny.
...
...
...
i should probally think one up. ok, i got one.

Q: whats the difference between a lawyer roadkill and a possum roadkill?
A: the possum had tire marks in front of it!

hey i heard the fruit one at school. i dont get the road kill one either.

Okay no offense to anyone here but this is kinda funny.
Q:Why does mexico never win in the Olympics.
A:Because all the good runners and swimmers and fence jumpers are in America.

this is funny especially where i live with all the illegal imigrants over here

lol



ok, so there is a Russian, an American, and a girl on a plane.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says,"So? We were the first on the Moon!"

The girl says,"Oh yea? I'm going to be the first one on the Sun!"

The other two both laugh, then ask,"How? You'll burn up!"

The girl replies,"I know silly, thats why im going at night!"

she is totaly dumb! but that one is funny. and about the road kill one, lawyers sum times suck. go ahead in hit 'em with the car. maybe its not that funny. and to think, i might be a lawyer!

an african and a mexican were getting immigration papers so they had to use pink green and yellow in a sentence and the african wrote i woke up to see the yellow sun over the green grass making pink flowers and the mexican said i pink up the phone that go greengreen and i say yellow.

i have got a rly nice one but i will get in trouble because its kinda racist and its dissing jews and muslims btw i am muslim so im not being racist, its just such a funny joke, if any one wants to hear it pm me.

Its not really a joke but an actual reality with the military base in our city. its a bit racist but not too much

as you are driving down the loop that connects the north-east and east sides and runs directly through the military desert training grounds, you see missle launchers beside the road almost. when we go by and i see this i call out "They're playing Muslims and Patriots".
play off of the cowboys and indians, then cops and robbers now muslims and patriots

Ok heres a joke

Why did the train fall of the tracks????.....
BECAUSE THE DRIVER WAS A LOAF OF BREAD lol =) good jokes ok

Why does a Chicken Coop Have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 it would be a Chicken Sadan lol

I got a good one:

There's an English man, a french man and a Chinese man. They all work in this factory. One day, their boss comes up and says "there is a load of sand over there by that truck."
He says to the englishman: "I want you to sweep it all into a pile, so you need a broom."
He says to the french man: "When he's done that, I want you to shovel it into the truck, so you will need a shovel."
He says to the Chinese man: "You are in charge of the supplies."
So the boss goes to lunch. When he comes back, the englishman and french man are just standing there and haven't done anything. He says "why haven't you done it, and where is the Chinese man?"
The englishman says: "We need a broom and shovel, and the Chinese man was in charge of the supplies."
The french man says: "And the Chinese man went off somewhere ages ago."
Suddenly, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and shouts: "SUPPLIES!"

lol

I dont know if this one has been put on yet but ill do it any way. I may not say it right but youll get it anyways.

the president, a priest, and a little girl are in a plane. all of a sudden the pilot shouts over the intercom "the plane is going to crash, please locate one of the parachutes and jump from the plane." the pilot grabs his and says good luck and jumps. there are only two parachutes left and the president says "since i am the president i am going to use one and the priest will take the other one so he can pray for our lives." The priest says, "no let the little girl go because she has her whole life ahead of her and i am at my end any ways." the president says "whatever and jumps. " the priest looks at the little girl and says, "go on and go i dont mind." Finally the girl says "We are both saved, that stupid mouse looking guy took my school back pack."

later on the presidents body was found in a bush in texas, being eaten by the vultures.
(get it, Bush in a bush in texas being eaten by lawyers lol)

what do you call cheese that isn't yours


nacho cheese! Get it not yo cheese nocho cheese classic.


I apologize for all who read this.

Okay I am not sure if this is correct. My cousins told this to me so very long ago. (They tell us the funniest jokes )

Okay there is a russian, chinese, and an american. They are told if they can cross this desert with out their donkey having to go to the bathroom, they get (I forgot how much) money. So the russian gets about a fourth of the way across. The donkey goes, then a plane takes them to the finish line. They were disquilified. ~sp~ The american gets half way across. His donkey goes. He gets taken to the finish line disquilified. Then about an hour later they see the chinese man. "How did you do it." The russian asked. "Theirs no way he got across with out it going." The american said. But then the chinese replied, "Me chinese, me no dumb, me stick cork up donkey bum, he go boom, I go voom. That's how we get here so soon."

It make me laugh so hard every time I tell it.

Here is another.

Q: What do you do if you get swalowed by an elephant.










A: Run around, and around, and around. Intell you get pooped out.

I laughed so hard I fell off my seat. My cousins thought I was crazy. LOL

this is disgusting but super true.

We have a rooster down at the ranch whose name is Bugfood. he is a weird little thing but we love him. well one day we find him with a hen, he has never had a girlfriend before so we were very proud of him (what you would feel the same if you met this bird too). The only problem with his new found love was that she was dead. Yes dead, and he was sitting with his love of his life. he thought he was the top rooster with this girl since no one else wanted her. but of course no one wanted her because she was dead. so we threw her away but he found her in the garbage can. so we threw her in the dumpster.
The next day he was in a depression over the girl that left him (i know i did't know chickens could get depressed but they do and they get very sick). Well its taken a couple of months but Bugfood is now back on his feet and chasing hens, this time live ones, we hope.

sick but funny, i guess you just had to be there.

squire that is soo ridiclous.

I think it's funny!

Jokes

Lol you get it yah IM AWESOME!!!!!
DOOR~!~~~


WAHHHAHHHH~!!!!! JOKES!

wierd but funny.

i dont know if any one will recognize it but here we go

Q: Pete and Repeat were on a boat, Pete jumped off who was left?

SOME ONE ANSWER!

repeat no jk

Pete and Repeat were on a boat, Pete jumped off who was left?

What is the answer.

it will annoy people forever. got it off of monk

Q:What do you call a dog with no legs

A:You can't he isn't going to come

Two men walk into a bar.

Must've hurt



Nelson Mandela is sitting in his house enjoying a cup of tea when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it, and a little Chinese man shoves a clipboard under his nose and says 'You sign, you sign!!!,' behind him is a delivery van with 'Nissan' on the side
Confused, Nelson Mandela pushes the clipboard away and says 'Sorry, you must have the wrong door. I never ordered anything to do with Nissan.'
he closes the door.
The next day, the same man knocks on his door, shoves the clipboard under his nose and says 'YOU SIGN! YOU SIGN!!'
Nelson Mandela is getting frustrated, and he shouts 'I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANYTHING TO DO WITH NISSAN. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN' and slams the door.
The day after, believe it or not, the incident happens AGAIN.
Nelson Mandela is so angry by now, he snatches the clipboard and reads what he is being asked to sign for. 'Exhaust manifolds x50. Wheels x50. Brake pads x50. Air filters x50.'
'WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT THIS???!? I CAN'T EVEN FIT IT ALL IN MY HOUSE!!!' Nelson Mandela shouts.
The Chinese man takes the clipboard, looks at it, then looks back up at Nelson Mandela. Then, in a confused voice, (say it aloud in your best chinese accent for it to work) 'Whaaaaa? You not Nissan main Dealaaaa???'

IF I TELL YOU A GREEK JOKE WOULD YOU LAUGH?
DID YOU KNOW THAT PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES UNDERSTAND DIFFERENTLY SOME JOKES??
FOR INSTANCE ENGLISH PEOPLE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND A GREEK JOKE SO THAT NOT TO LAUGH................

Here's one;

Why did the chicken cross the...BANG!!!
Never mind.

Ok Ok i gotta joke..
All these jokes are funny

2nd post:
Q: whats the difference between a cadilac and 50 dead white girls?

A: I dont have cadilacs stuffed in my closet

I don't have a joke but here are some really cool riddles
How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
Answer: His horse is named Friday!

When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer?
Answer: When you add two hours to eleven o'clock, you get one o'clock

My life can be measured in hours,
I serve by being devoured.
Thin, I am quick
Fat, I am slow
Wind is my foe.
Answer: A candle