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Aorian
Wise DragonRider
Joined: January 6th, 2009, 3:01 am Posts: 1411
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: SF Rebels
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Alone
My first shot at FanFic!
Chapter One: The Truth
He looked at the road ahead of him. He sighed, and looked at the packet in his hand. The packet contained everying he would need to know for his journey. He looked behind him past the woods, where the smoke was building. The house was well on fire by now. It felt like it had been years since he had first read the contents of the package in his hands. The truth was, it had been yesteday. He looked at the package one more time before gradually sliding out the first paper in it. Checking to see if it was all real, he read it for the hundreth time.
Dear John, There is no easy way for me to tell you what has been happening over the past few years, so I will do my best to sum this up. By the time you read this they will have gotten me. I will be in Pakistan, arrested. Probably being beat, as well. I have been working in a spy system for the last 16 years. Your mother didn't die, she left. She was sick and tired of what I was doing. It had nothing to do with you. In this package is money, maps, and schedules. She lives on 1101 Elm Street, New York City, New York. Take the money to buy tickets and go to her. Tell noone of any of this. Put this package in baggage, they will check the carry ons. Before you leave today, set the house on fire. You have cause nough trouble I doubt it will be a problem for you. All that is hidden in taht house must be destroyed. It is a matter of your life. I am sorry I have disgraced you, Father
John looked back once more before carefully putting the note back in the package. He took out the money. He was buying plane tickets. But it wasn't to New York.
John walked in to the air port. He was afraid about being a minor, he was hoping his father had set up someone to help him. "Hello, John." John looked behing himself and saw his science teacher, Mr. Lober. "What the...?" Next thing he knew Mr. Lober was at his side on the way to get in line for tickets. He leaned down. "Too many people...explain later...what flight?" John had remembered his flight number by heart. "742." He said briefly. Mr. Lober scanned the flights and found 742. John continued waiting. They were second in line behind a young man who was yelling across the air port. "YOU....LOST...MY....BAG!!!" "Sir, I can check with baggage, please calm down." "I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.....ENGAGEMENT RING...LOST....." The man slammed his hands on the counter. John tried to ignore the rest of the conversation, trying to figure out what Mr. Lober was doing here. And why is he helping me....? Soon the man was escorted out of the line from security and Mr. Lober and John were talking to the young woman behind the counter. John let Mr. Lober do the talking. "Flight 742. The one in a hour?" The woman just typed for what seemed like forever to John. "There are only a few seats open left in coach, you are in good luck." She finally said. John budged in there. "First class." The woman stared him down and then looked at Mr. Lober, who only nodded. She asked for their passports. John tugged on to his carry on but Mr. Lober handed over two passports and looked at John. John continued looking for his passport, he knew he had it somewhere..."Well, Mr. Hanson and John, have a safe trip." John stopped looking for his passport. They gave their luggage to a young man and went through secutiry before John asked questions. "A fake passport? Why are you helping me? Mr. Hanson?! Mr. Lober just looked at him and said, "Call me Paul."
"Heh, first class huh? Just like your father. Only the best." John rolled his eyes at Paul as they took their seats. Paul worked with his father, apparently. Coolest...science..teacher..ever! "We will be taking off for Islamabad, Pakistan shortly. Please watch the flight attendants in your isle." John watched as a short, chubby woman came in to the isle and began demonstrating emergency techniques. He put his attention on Paul. "So, why exacly is my father being kept hostage?" Paul acted as if John has asked him a million other times. "We have been spying on Pakistan for thirteen years, for me, nineteen. But your father quickly outranked me." Paul whispered "You know how your father leaves for weeks at a time? That's where he goes. He then feeds the information to me and I tell the FBI." John hadn't even noticed they were taking off and were already in the air until his ears popped. "I was told to do whatever you wanted me to do, but to never leave you. But I thought your father told you to go to New York! Not try to save him!" Once again John rolled his eyes at Paul. "So you are saying we should left my father be tortured for information?" Paul gave him a angry look. "You are one sassy 16 year old."
FIXED, I want to work on all the errors in Chapter 1 With you guys before going on.
_________________ Word of the Week: potato
Eldunari Forums! Bios: Isabell of The Sun Aeron Eliza of Three Colors Danagon and Andep
Last edited by Aorian on May 8th, 2009, 11:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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May 5th, 2009, 1:32 am |
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morwen
Expert DragonRider
Joined: June 16th, 2008, 5:38 pm Posts: 1575 Location: On planet earth. (台灣)
Gender: Girl
Affiliation: Urgals
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Re: Alone
It's good, but I personally think you should have made it longer. You did very good, much better than me (in both length, and grammar.)
_________________ Rule number one: Never throw a rubber ducky at me. You may never get it back.
RP Characters: Against Galbatorix: Renell and Random Freda Theron Ancell Anette Daris
Against Varden: Astrdell and Bjorn Alan Cor and Zoe Wulfe
Against Neither: Ryuu, Luca, and Altair Kelci Eliora Rianata Calantha Atlanta the Assassin Unknown and Nameless Dzroginion Morena Morwen Terra the Nutty Squirrell: This is my nut... Oh look! There's another one! IT's MINE! Leave it alone!
Against Both: Zylia Amarok Doubt Melantha Elfrida: Burn the Past, and be Free of it--Else you will hinder your life, and torment you daily. Can you live with that?
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May 5th, 2009, 1:43 am |
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Aorian
Wise DragonRider
Joined: January 6th, 2009, 3:01 am Posts: 1411
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: SF Rebels
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Re: Alone
These are one page chapters *begins laughing* They are really short so I will probably combine a lot of them.
_________________ Word of the Week: potato
Eldunari Forums! Bios: Isabell of The Sun Aeron Eliza of Three Colors Danagon and Andep
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May 5th, 2009, 2:11 am |
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Silverwolf
Pack Alpha
Joined: April 9th, 2007, 10:48 am Posts: 9373
Gender: Girl
Affiliation: Galbatorix
Dragon: Facebones
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Re: Alone
Too many spelling mistakes is all I can say for now ^.^ Carry on.
_________________
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May 5th, 2009, 6:26 am |
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Aorian
Wise DragonRider
Joined: January 6th, 2009, 3:01 am Posts: 1411
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: SF Rebels
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Re: Alone
Hmm......I didn't think my grammar was terrible.... maybe I shouldn't, I posted it in CHWAYB for fun and someone said they liked it.....
_________________ Word of the Week: potato
Eldunari Forums! Bios: Isabell of The Sun Aeron Eliza of Three Colors Danagon and Andep
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May 5th, 2009, 10:36 pm |
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Arya Svit-kona
Green Dragon
Joined: June 13th, 2006, 1:14 pm Posts: 7742
Gender: Girl
Affiliation: Dragonriders
Dragon: Glacies
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Re: Alone
The lady said "Carry on", did she not?
Come on, continue. It has a lot of potential :thumbs up:
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May 5th, 2009, 10:44 pm |
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Aorian
Wise DragonRider
Joined: January 6th, 2009, 3:01 am Posts: 1411
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: SF Rebels
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Re: Alone
Ok I added a little more but I have larengidus so even I realize that part was very close to terrible =D Maybe I should give the entire plot to somebody else, I have quite a few good twists, and see what they can do with it =D I am the idea man: not the author.
_________________ Word of the Week: potato
Eldunari Forums! Bios: Isabell of The Sun Aeron Eliza of Three Colors Danagon and Andep
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May 6th, 2009, 5:21 pm |
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Rider of Death
Sovereign DragonRider
Joined: May 28th, 2008, 6:59 am Posts: 3848
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: Lamp Shade
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Re: Alone
Hmmm...could be a little bit longer, but it sounds nice to me. Now for the rant! Oh yea! You are so excited arn't you?!?
First of all: There is alot of tense switching. Second of all: A few gramatical errors. Thrid: A few spelling errors. Fourth: At one place it was hard to understand. Fifth: It went by kind of fast so I was kind of thrown off track. However, as this is only the first chapter, this isn't major because you can explain more as you go along. Sixth: ...hehe...just wanted to make it even...
And now for the question.
Who is writing this?
Lol. I was kind of harsh there...sorry...
_________________ Murtagh Forever!!! but seriously the guys dead...
What happened to Sef?! No!
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May 6th, 2009, 11:53 pm |
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Silverwolf
Pack Alpha
Joined: April 9th, 2007, 10:48 am Posts: 9373
Gender: Girl
Affiliation: Galbatorix
Dragon: Facebones
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Re: Alone
Well, unless he's making a novel, a bit o' speed doesn't matter. It's only fanfic
But yeah ...
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May 7th, 2009, 7:14 am |
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Aorian
Wise DragonRider
Joined: January 6th, 2009, 3:01 am Posts: 1411
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: SF Rebels
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Re: Alone
Edited: - First Parry, now says "he" instead of "I" - Time jumps are now small, filled you in with a whole new paragraph. This introduces Paul. - Worked on a few errors.
Tell me anything you see wrong before I go on to Chapter 2: Pakistan
_________________ Word of the Week: potato
Eldunari Forums! Bios: Isabell of The Sun Aeron Eliza of Three Colors Danagon and Andep
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May 8th, 2009, 10:37 pm |
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Rider of Death
Sovereign DragonRider
Joined: May 28th, 2008, 6:59 am Posts: 3848
Gender: Guy
Affiliation: Lamp Shade
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Re: Alone
It is much better now. Continue.
_________________ Murtagh Forever!!! but seriously the guys dead...
What happened to Sef?! No!
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May 10th, 2009, 1:33 am |
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