hey this is pretty sweet, Red! I was reading the battle part just now and it said "Mesaraih fell over to the side, holding himself up with one hand, and as fast as he could drew the sword back from the creature's stomach." I was like what? I thought it was a mistake but now i see that it wasn't. you're pretty sneaky lol

Awesome! Would you please me with an update?

Really good job!

Well, you PM-ed me, redshurtugal, so here I am. Are you ready, because this review will be long due to the fact that you have six chapters up and I want to deal with each one individually.

First, however, I want to discuss the layout. Make sure that you put in new paragraphs and a space between each one (like you see above this paragraph) so it is easier to read the text. Also, when someone is talking or thinking, you usually have to put those words in a new paragraph.

Ok, now that I've finished with that, let's get into the meat of the matter:

Chapter 1--Very, very nice beginning. I really got a feel for what was happening, and it felt unique and fresh. I like the vision of the lone fighters amidst the dead bodies. Perhaps, however, you could have described the protagonist better. I know you know what he looks like or where he lives, but I don't know, and I would like to know so that I can feel more attuned to his character. Also, if you had made Victor leave the house without knowing where he was going, but somehow ending up at Mellissa's house, I think that it would have been a little more powerful.

Even so, this was a promising start.

Chapter 2--It was short, to say the least. But it was had a haunting quality to it that, if fleshed out a little more, could have been amazing. (Oh, and by the way, 'beautiful' is spelled with a 'u' after the 'ea'.) As I've said before about Victor, so I will say again about Mellissa. You know how she looks, but I don't. What color are her eyes and hair? Is she tall or short? Is she beautiful or ugly? You get the idea.

Chapter 3--"he let his body legs bend beneath him"? Body legs? I think you just meant legs. Also, you used the name Mesaraih to describe Victor almost randomly in the middle of the chapter. I'm not sure if this was on purpose or not. The battle was well choreographed, in my opinion, and I hope that battle is explained further on. Also, I have a question: is Victor entirely being controlled by this strange presence, or are only his thoughts under its control? Is the presence only controlling his motions when it feels it needs to, or is it always controlling them? I felt as though the presence was confusing. It's not entirely controlling Victor, it seems, but Victor seems to know everything about what's going on and know what to do at all times. Wouldn't he at least have some emotions of fear while battling the beast?

Chapter 4--Ah! Now things are starting to fall together! Nicely done. But I get the feeling that Victor has no emotions beyond anger. Wasn't he slightly afraid of this new world that suddenly appeared? Wasn't he at least uncomfortable with the idea of staying in Aardoon forever? It seems to me like Victor is indifferent to everything except self-preservation and Melissa. Also, you are really good with descriptions. You're dialogue, however, needs a little work. That's what I would focus on in the coming chapters.

Great chapter nevertheless!

Chapter 5--More and more is coming to light, which is really good. You also brought in a very cool concept: interconnected worlds. However, I would like to know how these worlds are connected and why. What makes each world important to the other? Again, dialogue needs work, and there were some typos, but overall, this was a welcome break from the action (not that action is bad) and very explanatory. Nice job.

Chapter 6--Faisto talked for a Reall, really, really long time. Some paragraph breaks at the very least would have been much appreciated. The explanation was informative, though, and I got a lot out of it. Nice job!

You know, I was thinking about the plot of your story and I realized that this would make a great RPG. It just sounds like something the people at Bethesda Softworks would come up with, which is really good.

Please update soon! And try to stay on task, please, heehee.

I think you should leave it be......its very interesting, and thats a lot of praise coming from me.

I actually disagree. If you were planning on publishing this, then it would be best to change it. However, if the presence in his mind were to for some reason refer to him as Mesaraih, then that would be intriguing to the reader.

Your story is really good, by the way. I don't know if you could tell by all the things I asked you to improve on, but that's my true opinion.

As for dialogue, I think the problem is that your grammar deteriorates when you try to have people talk, and as a result, they sound like they're trying to speak well, but they aren't... I don't know if that helps.

Very nice improvement for chapter two. Now I have a better idea of what Victor and Melissa look like. And I liked how you extended the storm scene a little bit more. That little foreshadowing with the presence was a nice touch as well. Good job.

One thing, though, is that you keep spelling presence with a 'c' tacked into the middle like so: "prescence." There is no 'c' there; it's just "presence." Well, that's pretty much my only gripe now, and it's minor.

Still can't wait for the next chapter!

EDIT: Hmmm, let's see. In the dialogue, you try to make them sound casual, but your desire to use proper grammar is also infused into what they say. Thus, we have a jumble of good and bad (almost stilted) sentences. Relax and don't make them sound so formal. How would you talk if you were brought to this world.

Lol, Faisto really doesn't seemed to be concerned about anything.

"...it seemed to be turning from a normal forest into a rain forest kind of place."--Is that all you could tell us about the scenery? Certainly you could explain it a little more.

Overall, I felt like this was a transitory chapter. Not a lot happened, although I really like the Pulse spell. I'm not saying a transitory chapter is a bad thing, I was just stating a fact.

I think it's also interesting how Victor seems to lose his identity a little; he doesn't know if he truly lived in our world.

Good chapter, and I look forward to the next update.

Transitory means that it's a chapter that fills in to link two chapters. For example, you had the chapter before it that was a big discussion/explanation chapter. The chapter after this most recent will be filled with action (I think) so, if you didn't have this little chapter in the middle, it would have been really choppy. Thus, it transitions the reader from one setting to the other.

Wow, it's been a while...but I think it was worth the wait. Your dialogue has improved greatly, and there weren't nearly as many errors as in some fanfics I have seen (not on this site, though).

You do well with the action sequences. What I did realize, though, is that you don't describe the setting at all. Because of that, I had a difficult time imagining where the characters were. But that aside, it was a great chapter.

That's really good. I can't wait until you post the next chapter! Well Done!

Looong chapter, lol. But good nonetheless. I am, however, getting rather bored of the continual fighting scenes. Make sure that that doesn't become the only way you use action in the story. Mix it up.

And I am excited to see what happens when Victor sets out. I'm glad to see that he's having doubts about his character and abilities, even though his rapid improvement was a tad unbelievable.

As you move forward with Victor's training in terms of the actual journey, make sure that he learns more than just more sword and magic skills. Find a way to make him learn something about his character, or even make him do something horrible and hate himself. That would be an interesting twist. Making him oscillate between good and evil, and the reader doesn't know which side he'll choose in the end....hmmm.

But I digress. Very nice chapter.